Why Standing up to Your Inner Bully Can Be a Good Thing

Honestly I want to write about positive uplifting things, but I seem to keep hitting obstacles.  Like I cannot get on the freeway because of accidents and stalled vehicles scattered across the on-ramp.  Bummer!

So here’s the biggie – the obstacle – for me.  I’ve been struggling for many years with a sense of lack… about money and time.  Despite all my Course in Miracles work and my spiritual practice.   I’ve disguised the struggle by calling it “being responsible.”

There’s not enough money… I need to work harder.   I need to spend less.

And of course there are lots of judgments that go along with that lack statement.

My Course lesson the other day was this: “Let miracles replace all grievances.”  That started me wondering.  In my prayer/channeling time I asked “how is this attitude of mine linked to grievances?”

The Voice that I hear in my mind responded:  You tell yourself that the world refuses to compensate you adequately for your labors, or provide what you need.  That you are doomed to remain in lack because somehow the fit is wrong, the “rules” don’t work. You work and work, but you never have enough.

This is your grievance.  Is this true?   

Wow.

That was 4 days ago.   I’ve been facing this head-on and chose to write about it, rather than something purely uplifting today.  My Inner Bully gets going here as well.. “Why don’t you focus on the good stuff?  What about positive thinking and all that blather that you usually are into?!”

But somehow, this is where I am.  I’m somewhat comforted by Brené Brown’s statement about why she chooses to study shame:  “If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way – especially shame, fear, and vulnerability.”  (From The Gifts of Imperfection, p 36)

“the things that get in the way…”  (like a chronic belief that the world refuses to provide what I need.. )

And the Course (A Course in Miracles) begins with this introduction:   “The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be taught.  It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the awareness of love’s presence, which is your natural inheritance.”  

“removing the blocks to love’s awareness…”

This is your grievance.  Is this true?  

My longstanding conviction of lack is standing in my way, a block to Truth and love.

The world doesn’t provide enough…I can’t figure it out well enough… I’m not enough.  

These last few days I’ve been confronting this belief – can you guess how many times a day?

Despite living a respectable life in a nice home with a husband who loves me and money in the bank – I lost track… but somewhere around 50-100, and that doesn’t count the ones I failed to catch.

Yep. Despite all that good stuff, I’m spending a lot of my day, my mind energy – my creative energy OMG! – telling myself untruths about lack.

I guess it’s a bit like anorexics, who see themselves and tell themselves they are fat when anyone else can see they are skin and bones and even in danger.  But they “see” a lie and believe it.

Intermittently over the last 35 years I’ve done a lot of prosperity work.  I’ve seen other dreams of mine manifest… a lovely sacred private organic garden; a wonderful husband and singing partner; a small harmony group I love; singing lead onstage; healing in my children, and more.

But the prosperity/lack issue has continued to challenge me, offering me evidence that I don’t “get it,” and cannot make these principles work for me.

So I’m coming out of the closet, and am going to write about this more.  I’m standing up to my Inner Bully.  Michael Beckwith says that the world is suffering from a massive belief in the illusion of lack.  It’s an epidemic.  Despite evidence to the contrary, despite personal experiences that belie that.

So while I practice the prosperity principles, I’m going to face the Dementors directly – stand up to my inner bully:  No. That is NOT true.   

I’m asking my highway roadside assistance crew (angels et al) to clear the road with me, as often as needed so I can get on the onramp.

I’ll keep you posted.