So you say you want a man? A partner for your life? Or a woman, a lover, a wife?
You’ve tried match.com, greensingles, maybe even harmony.com, not to mention taking classes you don’t really care about, going out when you would rather stay home, and writing in your journal until your hand cramps? You’ve tried prayer, you’ve tried visualizing, you’ve asked your friends to set you up (this last one you’ve given up on after one too many lousy blind dates)… and still – you are alone? So you want some help, some key that will unlock the door to blissful wedlock or at least long-term significant-other-ness? And somehow, you’ve come to me?
I’m honored. I am happily married (5 years now, plus 4 of togetherness before that), and getting better all the time. But my answers, my suggestions may surprise you… and you may not want to hear them. I’m going to suggest an inner harmony that precedes the harmony of partnership.
If you were really willing to listen, here’s what I would say to you:
1. Stop looking. Now.
Instead, take your journal and write. Write what kind of a person this wonderful partner-to-be is. Physical characteristics are okay, but don’t spend much time there. What you want to write about are the qualities of this person. In detail… things like honesty, courage, focus, authenticity, transparency, kindness…. or the lack thereof. Make your own list. Take a few days if you like, but be thorough. Allow your intuition to guide you. This is a portrait of the person you want to attract. [custom_frame_left]
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Is it complete? When your character description contains all you hope for, review it and ask yourself – with great honesty – am I the kind of woman (partner) this man deserves? Do I measure up to my ideal partner? If not, where do I fall short?
It is quite common to long for a partner who is more mature and evolved than you are ready for. I believe this is one of the key reasons nice people sometimes don’t have the partners they want. They could settle for someone who’s at the level they are… but their standards are higher. And either they don’t see what’s happening or they don’t want to do the work to be ready for that other partner.
So step one is to prepare yourself to be with the kind of person you truly want as a partner, in every sense of the word. Which leads to step 2.
2. Face the possibility that you might never have a partner. I know, I know, positive thinking and all that…. but Other People are amongst the most challenging things to manifest from our little human perspective and you just have to be honest about this. So get on with it, face it and make up your mind that you will be as happy as is humanly possible Even If You Don’t Ever Get A Partner. For some of you, this may involve the loss of a dream of children of your own as well. Still the process is the same. Face it. This is critical. You may have some tears, some deep grieving about this, and it’s important not to resist this. Just cry, sob, play sad music for a day or two and face this possibility head on.
Next, with that grieving behind you (or sneaking up now and then to haunt you), decide what – other than a partner – makes you happy and fulfilled and content? Owning your own home? Deepening your friendships? Developing a talent you have long ignored? Whatever it is, begin it. Fill your life full, step by step, with the activities that make you happy and make you feel connected. Don’t stop. (If you should be blessed with an opportunity to date someone, above all, do not give up these same activities for him or her. Very Important.)
3. Study and adopt the principles of healthy relationships. Practice with each friend or family member in your life: Being authentic. Taking care of yourself. Saying no when you need to say no. Being kind.
Find a therapist, a coach, great books, and be willing to look at yourself honestly. Have the courage to look at any annoying or unhealthy habits you may be unaware of. Change. And keep changing. It will feel strange at first, but will gradually feel absolutely essential. You will look back and wonder how you could have ever been any other way.
4. Become the most beautiful woman (or man) you can be. The most glowing, the most brilliant. Find role models you admire and post their pictures to remind you. Recognize your own inner beauty and become even more beautiful. Beautiful in every sense of the word…shining, loving, creative, caring, strong, no-nonsense… and more. You are beautiful from the inside out. Let that beauty, your inner harmony, show.
5. Do your own healing work, which can in turn leave the door open for a partner. Were you abused in any way? Sexually, emotionally, physically? Prepare for the possibility of partnership by doing your own healing work with the help of a process and people you trust. Deepen your spiritual practice, not as a means to get a partner, but for the sake of your peace.
Tips: *When that voice in your head says, “You’ll be alone for-EV-er!” you can respond with something like, “That may be, but dammit I’m going to be happy anyway!” And find the ways to do that.
*You don’t have to be perfect, or do these steps perfectly, to attract a partner. But there are also no free passes. Do these steps, then repeat. Continue.
And lastly? *Pray for this prospective partner that you want. When you feel tempted by longing and self-pity, flip that emotion, return that longing to the god-of-your-understanding – and deeply, earnestly, pray for this person who may become your partner. While you are at it, pray for yourself, that you may become worthy of this amazing being.
Above all, recognize your own inner value at this moment. Then work to make that visible. When you do that, your life becomes astonishing and inspired. You are in harmony with yourself.
You may even forget you wanted a man.