harmony | Linda Chubbuck

August 4, 2018 Harmony, Some Things Need to Get Said Post a Comment

Some Things Just Need to Get Said

Some things just need to get said.

In the DMZ between North and South Korea, a diverse and rich wildlife has grown up over the last 50 years. Human absence, and especially the absence of polarization, development and hostility, has allowed the wild to return.

In our national conversation the last few years, there is extreme hostility and polarization. A lack of civility, trust and empathy has created few solutions to real problems, and instead, birthed new problems for our nation and the world.

But in the DMZ – the area where no one goes, between the two sides, there is richness, diversity, possibility, and resolution.

Dissonance… and Resolution

In music, we love the uplifting sounds of harmony. But all experienced singers know this: The juiciest harmony includes moments of dissonance – moments the singers lean into and feel the edge, the vibration of “different,” and then… the dissonance resolves.

That moment of resolution is indescribably delicious, for singers and listeners alike. Like the DMZ, there’s something to be gained by going there, something we bring back when we return.

I like to go into the recovering wildness. The place where few go, where it feels strange, dissonant. Come there with me in this conversation. For a moment, give up your loyalty to either “side,” and let’s lean into the dissonance, trusting there is a resolution.

Some things just need to get said.

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What did God mean…. ?

My dad, born in 1915 in Central Kansas, was raised in a strict Christian Church and took it to heart. When he came of age and WWII was just beginning, he struggled with the Commandment, Thou Shalt Not Kill.

Did God say it’s okay if they are the Enemy? Or you don’t like them? No. Just Thou Shalt Not Kill.

Facing the draft as he finished college, he could not bring himself to kill or carry a gun with the intent to kill. So he applied for Conscientious Objector (CO) status. As I remember his telling it, his request was rejected by the local draft board, but approved at the state level. So he went through basic training with the other COs, and was assigned to a Connecticut mental hospital for the criminally insane for the duration of the war.

Thou Shalt Not Kill. In Dad’s mind, there was no exception to that.

My childhood was sprinkled with many stories from Norwich State Hospital… how Mom served as a secretary for one of the doctors there while Dad cared for the severely mentally ill, in terrible and sometimes dangerous conditions. It was a deeply affecting time for both my parents.

Occasionally during the war they would ride the train across country, back home, with soldiers on board. Dad told me the soldiers were always respectful to him and Mom. He never felt judged or condemned for his choice.

But after the war, as he slowly discovered, along with the rest of America and the world, the massive amount of killing that Hitler and the Nazis had been doing, he wondered. Had he done the right thing? Should he have gone to the battlefield to stop a murderer?

God’s Commandment? Or Patriotism?

Back home in Central Kansas after the war, their reception was colder than from the soldiers on the train. In the community where my dad grew up, they began attending church in the early ’50’s. Subtly, some of the members let my parents know that they thought he was wrong and unpatriotic to have chosen his path of pacifism. I was a baby and unaware, but after awhile, my parents left the church. Dad told me later he felt the church members were hypocritical. How did they interpret God’s command, Thou Shalt Not Kill? I never heard Dad judge them for their choices, but he was angry at being judged for his choice.

Before they returned to Kansas, my parents went to southern California after being released from the service. There my dad finished graduate school and started teaching history and math. He loved his students and was a good teacher.

Years later he would tell me this story that shaped his thoughts on abortion, illegal all those years.

From a Good Family

One of his favorite students was a bright and lovely young girl, a cheerleader, and bright. She began to date a young man from the same school.

Then one Monday, she didn’t show up for class. As the hours and days passed she remained missing and the story unfolded.

She had become pregnant. Oh the sin! She was from a “good family,” and could not bear the humiliation she would bring to herself and her family.

And so, she and her boyfriend drove south. Into Mexico, where somebody knew somebody. They arrived at the home or office of a “doctor” who could make the pregnancy go away.

It did. But the cheerleader from a good family did not make it through. Who knows what happened? Infection, perforation, uncleanliness, shame…. all contributed, and this beautiful young woman died at 16.

Her boyfriend lived. Probably less shamed than she was.

Abortion stops a beating heart… and illegal abortion frequently stops two beating hearts.

My dad was so sad and distressed at the loss of this young woman that he became a solid supporter of legal abortion, and was truly happy when Roe vs. Wade changed everything.

Abortion is not a good thing. But, in our culture, it is a real thing. Young men do not pay the price for sex that young women do. Illegal abortion may seem like the only option to a young woman who is desperate to avoid the shame and consequences of an unplanned pregnancy. The young man who enjoyed the encounter will go on with his life as if nothing happened, while the young woman will be forever changed.

Thou shalt not kill. Why should Thou shalt not kill apply to unborn babies, even fetuses, but not to their mothers? Or to soldiers being sent to war? If you are taking the Bible literally, I challenge you to ponder this commandment with all your heart and your reason.

I believe the desire to make abortion illegal again arises from a deep need of men to control women. It doesn’t really save lives to make abortion illegal, it just creates an even heavier burden on women, and leaves males high and unscathed.

So those of you who call yourself pro-life – ask yourself why God said Thou Shalt Not Kill and you and your preacher apply it to the unborn, but not to the young pregnant woman, nor the enemy soldier, nor to the convicted killer, nor to… what did God mean? And what did Jesus mean in his teachings of absolute unconditional love and forgiveness?

Why is blocking abortion so absolute for you, when other things slide right by?

And now, for another point of view. I had an abortion once. Here’s my story.

(Part II)

A Promise to Something

I was married, 28 years old with a strong willed 1 year old and an un-involved husband. My little girl was my first child. I was dealing with the emotional traumas of my own childhood and trying to parent differently than my parents had done with me. My husband was gone a lot and I had little family support. Then, using birth control, I became pregnant. I was horrified, and realized it at about 4 weeks along. Abortion was legal and safe. I immediately decided I was not ready to manage two children alone, primarily since it would mean a sort of emotional abandonment for my daughter. I refused to do that to her.

My husband did not disagree, drove me to a clinic, and I had what is called a D&C, about 5 weeks along. It was the most sobering day of my life.

Despite having left the church of my childhood and being un-religious at the time, I made a promise to Something that day. “If I ever am pregnant again unintentionally I will never terminate a pregnancy again. This is it.” Somehow that seemed the only really good thing that happened that day.

Two years later I delivered my first son, intentionally conceived, and the two children grew.

The years went by. My marriage was difficult and I largely raised the children alone. Money was tight, but I remained self-employed in order to be with the children as much as possible.

Then one Saturday, when my son was 5, I felt the familiar feelings. Fatigue. Swollen breasts. Unsettled stomach. Oh, no! It couldn’t be. I had an IUD in place and had worn it successfully for several years.

By then, pregnancy kits were sold OTC, so I purchased one that same day. The next morning: Yep. I was pregnant. Unbelievable. I went to the doctor Monday, and at first he doubted me. Then he examined my pelvis, and announced, “Oh, yes, you are pregnant!” At my request, he removed the copper 7 IUD right then and there.

And the seed that had started growing did not dislodge. Instead, as I absorbed the truth that I was carrying a third child, it settled in and grew securely.

My husband suggested possibly I would want an abortion?

No. Absolutely not. I had made a promise to whatever powers there are and I was not changing my mind.

It took most of the pregnancy to get past my reluctance to birth another child, but all went well. I delivered my second son in the spring, to the delight of my other children who were 9 and 6 when he was born.

Who lives, who dies… who decides?

That unexpected gift from the Universe – my second son – has gone on to be a delight, to marry first of all my children, and present me with my first two grand babies. Those two grand babies are the loves of my life and I have spent many hours loving and treasuring them.

Thou Shalt Not Kill. All my children are peaceful and loving human beings with a desire to make the world a better place, as was my father.

Had I not terminated the unexpected pregnancy at 5 weeks, my two sons born later would never have existed. Nor my grandchildren.

When my father chose not to go to war on religious grounds, who lived and who died because of his choice?

When another chose to sign up for that war, or any war, who lived and who died because of that choice?

We are all making life and death choices regularly, and if our hearts are in the right place, we understand the responsibility of those choices and we struggle with the morality of the decisions.

What did the God of the Old Testament mean?

Does it still apply today?

How do I apply it in my life?

Do I have the right to force others to understand it the way I do?

Dare to wrestle with these questions.

I believe abortion should be legal but rare. Scans of the fetuses as they grow, at 8 weeks and 12 weeks and 20 weeks give more context to those dates. Other healthy options should be available to all, especially the best birth control available and education. I believe as the pregnancy progresses other options should be utilized more and more unless there was rape, mother’s life in danger, or fetus is seriously damaged. I believe that the father, where possible, should be held accountable but that the mother should make the final decision, as this life is being carried in her body. I believe abundant information, education and support for both girls and boys can dramatically reduce the number of unplanned pregnancies and therefore the desire for termination.

I believe the dictate to honor Life (Thou shalt not kill) should be taken seriously and applied to other situations besides abortion – war and all its forms; the death penalty; health care/homelessness, and more.

I urge my readers not to oversimplify and trivialize our relationship to Life and Death. Abortion is not by any means the only way humans may deliberately take life. And yet, it is the only one that polarizes so many people. Where else are we as humans ending life, and why are we not looking at those issues?

Come into the DMZ with me and experience the dissonance. Then let’s find together the resolution.

Some things just need to get said.

April 25, 2016 Accountability, Empowerment, Harmony, Healing, Shame Post a Comment

The Journey from Shame to Accountability

We are just home from a trip to England, where for various reasons, we rented a car and drove across the southern counties. Yep, on the left side! I was the navigator, Stan was the driver, but we were both involved in safety, directions, etc.

One thing we noticed is that – except for the time when we had a tire blowout and needed help – we never saw a police car. None.

As Americans, we are used to the quick braking when we spot a radar trap or cop car on the overpass, or just over the hill. Where are the cops – or bobbies – in Britain?

Instead we saw road signs with speeds posted just above a camera image. And “HUMP” signs followed by a very large bump in the road – all over, especially around dangerous areas.

After several days we asked a British friend about the no-traffic-police thing.

He told us that in Britain, the belief is that society is best served when police are building relationships with the community, not “policing” the people – rather assisting the people. As to traffic and safety, country-wide speed limits apply everywhere except when marked lower speeds. To enforce the speed limits – rather than radar traps – are a mix of speed “humps” (which absolutely require a driver to slow down or destroy the vehicle), well-marked camera zones, and occasional one lane narrowing where only one driver can pass through at a time. The opposite driver must wait.

Then there are the famous roundabouts, which, after 30 or 40 of these, actually made sense to us and worked well. With only one exception, drivers were polite and safe passing through these.

The license plates are twice the size of US plates, yellow with very large black letters and numbers, and placed on front and back. Easy to read (or photograph) from a distance, when needed. Tickets are mailed to violators, who are held accountable.

How well do these systems work? We cannot say for sure, but we experienced courtesy amid fast-moving but not aggressive traffic. The British traffic system and signage are accountability focused – not shame-based, with an authority figure watching for us to make mistakes.

Shame researcher and author Brené Brown describes the shame cycle this way: the incident, then the loop which encompasses denial, rage, punishment, revenge, resentment, numbing, then repeat behaviors.

Nowhere is there accountability in this.

Stan and I have had many discussions the past year or two about the journey from shame to accountability.

Here’s an example: a 10 year old takes a chunk out of a cake sitting in the kitchen prepared for an event. If shame is the prevailing family dynamic, there is an accusation by Mom or Dad, denial on his part, more accusations and threats, perhaps eventual punishment for him. Shame can settle in with thoughts such as “I’m a bad person, a sneak, a cheat.” With the shame comes resentment and an impulse to alleviate the shame by doing something that “feels good.” Eat cake? Other addictive behaviors? It’s a vicious loop. Acting out, confrontation, denial, punishment, shame, remorse, resentment, followed by another shame-based acting out.

What’s the way out?

The courage to confront behaviors – within ourselves and others – that are wrong or out of integrity, with courage, backbone, and Light. Then to hold ourselves and/or others accountable, rather than shaming.

Here’s how the Cake-Theft incident might go with parents committed to accountability: child takes chunk of cake. Parent discovers and calls him in. Did you take the corner of the cake off? Child denies.

Parent applies pressure with reminder of values – integrity, honesty are more important than lies and escape. Did you eat the cake? Parent may also apply Love and Connection with the child. Child crumbles and admits to doing it. Parent maintains calm and explains what the purpose of the cake was, and presents problem now – for child to find solution. Or at least to be part of solution. There may be consequences as well, but first priority is to solve the issue of what to do about the event the cake was destined for.

Child is left with perhaps a feeling of responsibility, accountability, partnership, and maybe a little appropriate guilt – “I shouldn’t have done that” – that can help resist next temptation.

No shame is applied. Nothing is said that makes the child feel like a bad person, but merely a person who has made a mistake.

Much of what is destructive in our world is locked in the shame-based loop. Unconscious behaviors and acting out. Revenge. Dishonesty. Denial. Rage. Resentment. Punitive behaviors. Numbing (so we don’t have to see this loop). Self-righteousness.

Accountability on the other hand fosters honesty, partnership, integrity, solutions, compassion. Where needed, protection.

The journey in each of us and our world from Shame to Accountability involves maturity, courage, and clear-seeing. We must resist the temptation to shame ourselves, and others, and yet, at the same time, hold each other accountable. Like Britain’s HUMPS and traffic cameras hold drivers accountable.

In ourselves, we must remember to face the consequences of our choices without going into shame. Then we have all the resources of Love and Light to assist us in finding healing solutions that create peace and harmony within ourselves, and the world.

February 13, 2016 Healing Post a Comment

Radical Harmony – Gut Garden

I have a friend who is nursing her wounds, today, from taking her positive living, inspirational blog into the realm of politics-with-humor, yesterday. Her feel-good readers didn’t all feel good about what she wrote and let her know with a barrage of criticism. She has written a warm and candid response and will go on to write another day. Read Pam Grout’s Blog here

But, in her actions, she has inspired me to do what Spirit has been nudging me to do for quite some time now – to use my platform, Radical Harmony, to write about food.

Yes. Food. Believe me, it’s every bit as controversial as politics and a lot more up close and personal.

But with Pam as Chief Role Model and Inspirer, here I go.

I’ve had a health issue – double vision – that was originally infrequent, but the last 3-4 years has become nearly constant, with brief remissions. I have long felt it had to do with my eating, and with stress – as well as the metaphysical side: “What are you not willing to look at?” Or more accurately, “Are you seeing two worlds, instead of One?” or something….

My desire to heal completely from this is passionate. Yes, I’ve had the MRI (nothing), the blood tests (nothing of consequence) and regular doctors shaking their heads.

Fast forward. About 6 weeks ago, I declared that I was going to follow my intuition and learn all I could learn about my gut and what is going on down there. I ordered books from Amazon and from my library and began to read, and slowly, implement what I’m learning.

My eyes got better, fast. And other symptoms too – like small painful cracks in my fingertip skin. And then, they got worse. But, this time, more predictable. I’m keeping records of what I’m experiencing and of the way I’m eating.

The story is too long for here, but here’s the nugget: in your gut – intestine – live trillions of microscopic bacteria which digest your food, govern your appetite, influence your mood, and so much more.

It’s called the MicroBiome. By numbers and by influence, it is way more powerful than “you.” And yet, we don’t even know it’s there, much less learn how to manage it well so that we can live happy healthy lives.

Author and MD Dr. Raphael Kellman likens it to Dr. Seuss’s “Who-ville,” and himself to Horton, who can “hear” this tiny world (Remember Horton Hears a Who?). My husband Stan (Slaughter) is a long-time compost/soil educator and he knows very well the secret microscopic world of the soil – from which our plants – our food – get their nutrients, or not. So he and I have lively discussions about what will best benefit our personal Gut Gardens.

Know what else? This huge-tiny world of bacteria can change entirely within hours – depending on what you are feeding them. Each little guy (bacteria) may have a life-span of only 20 minutes. So when you feed the “good guys” you get more of them reproducing more buddies like themselves. When you feed the “bad guys” – the ones who produce inflammation and allergic responses – they also multiply, and then demand more of the foods they want you to eat. Yes, they influence our appetites.

So to those who say “I can eat anything!” I say, “Fine! You and your microbiome are doing well – at the moment. Enjoy.” But to anyone listening, I say… omg. This is an astonishing and powerful world within… a world that can produce healing – or disease.

Hippocrates said “All disease begins in the gut.” He must have known something about the microbiome.

December 13, 2013 Coaching, Harmony 1 Comment

So you say you want a man……

So you say you want a man? A partner for your life? Or a woman, a lover, a wife?

You’ve tried match.com, greensingles, maybe even harmony.com, not to mention taking classes you don’t really care about, going out when you would rather stay home, and writing in your journal until your hand cramps? You’ve tried prayer, you’ve tried visualizing, you’ve asked your friends to set you up (this last one you’ve given up on after one too many lousy blind dates)… and still – you are alone? So you want some help, some key that will unlock the door to blissful wedlock or at least long-term significant-other-ness? And somehow, you’ve come to me?

I’m honored. I am happily married (5 years now, plus 4 of togetherness before that), and getting better all the time. But my answers, my suggestions may surprise you… and you may not want to hear them. I’m going to suggest an inner harmony that precedes the harmony of partnership.

If you were really willing to listen, here’s what I would say to you:

1. Stop looking. Now.

Instead, take your journal and write. Write what kind of a person this wonderful partner-to-be is. Physical characteristics are okay, but don’t spend much time there. What you want to write about are the qualities of this person. In detail… things like honesty, courage, focus, authenticity, transparency, kindness…. or the lack thereof. Make your own list. Take a few days if you like, but be thorough. Allow your intuition to guide you. This is a portrait of the person you want to attract. [custom_frame_left][/custom_frame_left]

Is it complete? When your character description contains all you hope for, review it and ask yourself – with great honesty – am I the kind of woman (partner) this man deserves? Do I measure up to my ideal partner? If not, where do I fall short?

It is quite common to long for a partner who is more mature and evolved than you are ready for. I believe this is one of the key reasons nice people sometimes don’t have the partners they want. They could settle for someone who’s at the level they are… but their standards are higher. And either they don’t see what’s happening or they don’t want to do the work to be ready for that other partner.

So step one is to prepare yourself to be with the kind of person you truly want as a partner, in every sense of the word. Which leads to step 2.

2. Face the possibility that you might never have a partner. I know, I know, positive thinking and all that…. but Other People are amongst the most challenging things to manifest from our little human perspective and you just have to be honest about this. So get on with it, face it and make up your mind that you will be as happy as is humanly possible Even If You Don’t Ever Get A Partner. For some of you, this may involve the loss of a dream of children of your own as well. Still the process is the same. Face it. This is critical. You may have some tears, some deep grieving about this, and it’s important not to resist this. Just cry, sob, play sad music for a day or two and face this possibility head on.

Next, with that grieving behind you (or sneaking up now and then to haunt you), decide what – other than a partner – makes you happy and fulfilled and content? Owning your own home? Deepening your friendships? Developing a talent you have long ignored? Whatever it is, begin it. Fill your life full, step by step, with the activities that make you happy and make you feel connected. Don’t stop. (If you should be blessed with an opportunity to date someone, above all, do not give up these same activities for him or her. Very Important.)

3. Study and adopt the principles of healthy relationships. Practice with each friend or family member in your life: Being authentic. Taking care of yourself. Saying no when you need to say no. Being kind.

Find a therapist, a coach, great books, and be willing to look at yourself honestly. Have the courage to look at any annoying or unhealthy habits you may be unaware of. Change. And keep changing. It will feel strange at first, but will gradually feel absolutely essential. You will look back and wonder how you could have ever been any other way.

4. Become the most beautiful woman (or man) you can be. The most glowing, the most brilliant. Find role models you admire and post their pictures to remind you. Recognize your own inner beauty and become even more beautiful. Beautiful in every sense of the word…shining, loving, creative, caring, strong, no-nonsense… and more. You are beautiful from the inside out. Let that beauty, your inner harmony, show.

5. Do your own healing work, which can in turn leave the door open for a partner. Were you abused in any way? Sexually, emotionally, physically? Prepare for the possibility of partnership by doing your own healing work with the help of a process and people you trust. Deepen your spiritual practice, not as a means to get a partner, but for the sake of your peace.

Tips: *When that voice in your head says, “You’ll be alone for-EV-er!” you can respond with something like, “That may be, but dammit I’m going to be happy anyway!” And find the ways to do that.

*You don’t have to be perfect, or do these steps perfectly, to attract a partner. But there are also no free passes. Do these steps, then repeat. Continue.

And lastly? *Pray for this prospective partner that you want. When you feel tempted by longing and self-pity, flip that emotion, return that longing to the god-of-your-understanding – and deeply, earnestly, pray for this person who may become your partner. While you are at it, pray for yourself, that you may become worthy of this amazing being.

Above all, recognize your own inner value at this moment. Then work to make that visible. When you do that, your life becomes astonishing and inspired. You are in harmony with yourself.

You may even forget you wanted a man.

December 2, 2013 Song, Sound, Welcome Post a Comment

Welcome to Radical Harmony

I love harmony. I love songs with harmony. I love singing them, listening to them, writing them. I love sharing them, teaching them. You can read about “why” in Meet Linda or the Harmony Manifesto (under Linda’s Wisdom).

But here, I’m just going to describe why I know music is more than just entertainment as I welcome you to Radical Harmony.

Everywhere we are exposed to music through headphones, elevator music, piped into the stores, car or office radios, iTunes playlists, internet radio… and of course, live music, concerts, and more. We are immersed in music – but often we are paying very little attention to it.

A few hundred years ago, cultures around the globe were immersed in music as they worked, as they came together around a fire, in ceremonies and folk dancing. Music was a natural part of life, and the people themselves were the music makers. The field songs of the American slaves were a heritage of the African tribal singing practices. Appalachian folk music developed from Irish and European traditions of making music together in family and community. These ancestors of ours were creators of music, not consumers.

Today, the balance has shifted. Many more cultures are predominantly consumers of music rather than creators. Our musical lives today often reflect an unconscious and passive use of music, instead of a conscious full participation in singing and song making. (Hmmm…. sounds a little like fast food in place of growing and preparing our own?)

So, I’m not proposing that we go back. In fact, recording technology combined with the internet has made a wealth of rich song material available to multitudes of us, and allowed small indie artists to create and share their work.

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What I am proposing however, is that each of us move out of the role of music-consumer-only, and into the practice of finding your own voice – your own singing voice, or musical instrument voice or both. Reclaim your inherent gift of song. Your own voice has the ability, when claimed and practiced, to center and empower you, to balance and delight you, to connect you to your higher self and to others.

Your own voice is a key to unlock your power and your joy. Radical harmony starts with harmonizing within, with your Self. Radical harmony teaches us to appreciate dissonance, in song and in life, and to stay strong and find the resolution. From there, we move into harmonizing with others, for that electrifying experience of connection and vibration. You don’t have to go for performance. Our ancestors made music for the joy of it, not because they wanted to win on American Idol. (Or….maybe you will!) Radical harmony helps you move from consumer to creator; from listener to songmaker; from a mumble to your very own own roar.

I can help you. This web site and my work are designed to support you in unlocking your voice and your joy. Explore the site and then contact me to work together.

Let’s come together in song!