Empowerment | Linda Chubbuck

April 25, 2016 Accountability, Empowerment, Harmony, Healing, Shame Post a Comment

The Journey from Shame to Accountability

We are just home from a trip to England, where for various reasons, we rented a car and drove across the southern counties. Yep, on the left side! I was the navigator, Stan was the driver, but we were both involved in safety, directions, etc.

One thing we noticed is that – except for the time when we had a tire blowout and needed help – we never saw a police car. None.

As Americans, we are used to the quick braking when we spot a radar trap or cop car on the overpass, or just over the hill. Where are the cops – or bobbies – in Britain?

Instead we saw road signs with speeds posted just above a camera image. And “HUMP” signs followed by a very large bump in the road – all over, especially around dangerous areas.

After several days we asked a British friend about the no-traffic-police thing.

He told us that in Britain, the belief is that society is best served when police are building relationships with the community, not “policing” the people – rather assisting the people. As to traffic and safety, country-wide speed limits apply everywhere except when marked lower speeds. To enforce the speed limits – rather than radar traps – are a mix of speed “humps” (which absolutely require a driver to slow down or destroy the vehicle), well-marked camera zones, and occasional one lane narrowing where only one driver can pass through at a time. The opposite driver must wait.

Then there are the famous roundabouts, which, after 30 or 40 of these, actually made sense to us and worked well. With only one exception, drivers were polite and safe passing through these.

The license plates are twice the size of US plates, yellow with very large black letters and numbers, and placed on front and back. Easy to read (or photograph) from a distance, when needed. Tickets are mailed to violators, who are held accountable.

How well do these systems work? We cannot say for sure, but we experienced courtesy amid fast-moving but not aggressive traffic. The British traffic system and signage are accountability focused – not shame-based, with an authority figure watching for us to make mistakes.

Shame researcher and author Brené Brown describes the shame cycle this way: the incident, then the loop which encompasses denial, rage, punishment, revenge, resentment, numbing, then repeat behaviors.

Nowhere is there accountability in this.

Stan and I have had many discussions the past year or two about the journey from shame to accountability.

Here’s an example: a 10 year old takes a chunk out of a cake sitting in the kitchen prepared for an event. If shame is the prevailing family dynamic, there is an accusation by Mom or Dad, denial on his part, more accusations and threats, perhaps eventual punishment for him. Shame can settle in with thoughts such as “I’m a bad person, a sneak, a cheat.” With the shame comes resentment and an impulse to alleviate the shame by doing something that “feels good.” Eat cake? Other addictive behaviors? It’s a vicious loop. Acting out, confrontation, denial, punishment, shame, remorse, resentment, followed by another shame-based acting out.

What’s the way out?

The courage to confront behaviors – within ourselves and others – that are wrong or out of integrity, with courage, backbone, and Light. Then to hold ourselves and/or others accountable, rather than shaming.

Here’s how the Cake-Theft incident might go with parents committed to accountability: child takes chunk of cake. Parent discovers and calls him in. Did you take the corner of the cake off? Child denies.

Parent applies pressure with reminder of values – integrity, honesty are more important than lies and escape. Did you eat the cake? Parent may also apply Love and Connection with the child. Child crumbles and admits to doing it. Parent maintains calm and explains what the purpose of the cake was, and presents problem now – for child to find solution. Or at least to be part of solution. There may be consequences as well, but first priority is to solve the issue of what to do about the event the cake was destined for.

Child is left with perhaps a feeling of responsibility, accountability, partnership, and maybe a little appropriate guilt – “I shouldn’t have done that” – that can help resist next temptation.

No shame is applied. Nothing is said that makes the child feel like a bad person, but merely a person who has made a mistake.

Much of what is destructive in our world is locked in the shame-based loop. Unconscious behaviors and acting out. Revenge. Dishonesty. Denial. Rage. Resentment. Punitive behaviors. Numbing (so we don’t have to see this loop). Self-righteousness.

Accountability on the other hand fosters honesty, partnership, integrity, solutions, compassion. Where needed, protection.

The journey in each of us and our world from Shame to Accountability involves maturity, courage, and clear-seeing. We must resist the temptation to shame ourselves, and others, and yet, at the same time, hold each other accountable. Like Britain’s HUMPS and traffic cameras hold drivers accountable.

In ourselves, we must remember to face the consequences of our choices without going into shame. Then we have all the resources of Love and Light to assist us in finding healing solutions that create peace and harmony within ourselves, and the world.

September 7, 2015 Empowerment, Healing Post a Comment

What do you need to do to take care of yourself? #1

“What do you need to do to take care of yourself?”

This powerful and lovely question was asked of me so many times by my favorite therapist ever, Norma. It always hit me like a warm and bracing hug. “Oh!” My mind would reset from the panic state I was in to a calming one of self-care. “Uhmmm…. maybe I could write in my journal..”

Contrary to popular belief, this is not a selfish question, but rather, a reflection of self-love. Which by the way, is absolutely essential as a prerequisite to loving others.

Yesterday I had the honor of speaking on the phone with a woman friend who is suffering severe heartbreak at the moment. Once I was there (twice actually if I’m honest), the first time for a number of years. Wow… you’d think I would have known better, but… !

I listened, she talked, then she listened, I talked. I tried to give her a map through the heartache, while still being compassionate with her grief.

It seems to me that, in the case of love lost (a relationship), ended due to one party’s declaration that it’s not right for them, there are often two dynamics at work to create intense pain.

Grief – the honest, authentic feeling of missing the person, the activities shared, the hugs, the laughter. While you can certainly numb the pain of grief (alcohol, brownies, pizza, pot… another quick relationship/sex), the only way to clear it from your life is to go through it, tears and all.

At one time in my life I had avoided feeling the pain of rejection for so long that when I finally determined to stand in the fire and feel it I was afraid I would die from crying. No kidding. (You’re thinking I was in my teens? .. nope – in my mid-40’s if you’re wondering.)

I had done enough 12 step work, some therapy, and lots of reading about co-dependency to realize I had to stop and let the grief catch up to me. To NOT numb myself. To allow all the past rejections and hurts to catch up as well, roll them all into one to grieve.

I cried off and on for weeks. I wrote in my journal, I cried to God. I called a couple of friends. But I didn’t start a new relationship, distract myself with food or sex, or start drinking.

And I noticed something. I didn’t die from it.

I grew stronger. Through standing in the pain and the grief, I grew stronger.

That gave me courage. And the courage lessened my fear. Maybe it was just tears and pain, maybe it wouldn’t kill me.

I realized I could hold my own Irish wake – let myself keen and wail for what I’d lost.

But I had to pay attention to the second dynamic as well: Story.

I like stories. Stories can be healing, inspirational, connective. But they can also be deadly and limiting if you are caught up in a Disempowering Storyline.

For example, in the case of love lost, here’s a common storyline: I drove him away! I’ll never have anyone love me like he did. I’ll be alone the rest of my life. He was the perfect man and I screwed it up. I’m a complete loser and I can never get this right.

These stories and similar ones create the second, truly paralyzing dynamic that operates in a love-lost situation.

Unlike grief, which should be allowed to express fully in safe and supportive environments, these stories need to be outed and confronted.

Author Byron Katie’s line of questions are one of many powerful ways to confront the statements your mind is making: “I drove him away!” Is that true? Where would you be without that statement?

Journaling the untruths, the stories you are telling yourself, then praying your way to a different perception, or talking back to that voice of despair, all are empowering ways to confront this Disempowering Storyline.

Try this on. What if you said to yourself: “I really really miss him. But it’s true we weren’t a totally great fit in some areas. I’m going to practice loving myself so well I will be ready for the right partner to come along before long. I’m going to do my work and strengthen myself, find ways to love my self and my life. I refuse to tell myself stories of scarcity about partners. The right person and I will find each other!”

A cornerstone of self-care and self-love is knowing yourself and what you need. In the case of love-lost, it might be mourning, and it might be telling yourself a new story.

What do you need to do to take care of yourself?

September 1, 2015 Empowerment, Harmony, Healing 1 Comment

Cry for Love

Do you see the news somewhere? Even if you don’t watch TV news, headlines and big stories show up on FB and in conversations. If we are wanting more love, more harmony…well, love and harmony are pretty low volume at the moment. What’s making the noise and the news? Here are some recent voices, my thoughts on what’s behind them, and what we might do.

Donald Trump on Mexican immigrants: “They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.”

I don’t even want to quote the racist comments being made by people with a public platform. Or hateful remarks made towards the gay community. Or the trans community. But they cross my desk/screen/awareness all too often.

I’m into positive thinking and “looking for the good.” I truly am. My heart starts to hurt when I see the hatefulness, the efforts to control or shame or ostracize others “unlike us,” as it were. We, in this country, have been heating up the hatefulness these past few years.

Much of what is being spouted in hate lately masquerades as some “right” or other, loud voices shouting about rights and pointing fingers.

My dad was a thoughtful man who did his best to live an ethical life. One of many things he often said about freedom and human rights was this: “My right to swing my arm ends just a little short of your nose.”

I call it the Disease of Oppositionalism. Many people are eagerly engaged in finger-pointing, blame, judgment and other forms of hatefulness. How are we different from the hotspots of the world that have suffered for years with warfare and the inevitable poverty, displacement and destitution that follows war.

Researcher and author Brené Brown learned in her extensive interviews with people about issues of worthiness, joy and shame, that the research proves this: we are inclined to judge others most harshly in areas where we feel unsure of ourselves.

To see someone doing “worse than we are,” in an area that we don’t feel very secure in, is a perfect opportunity to judge. Add in hatefulness for good measure – to further distance ourselves from “those people.”

This explains why someone like Josh Duggar, while lecturing others on family values, gets caught in a commercialized affair through Ashley Madisondotcom. Oops! Maybe he was feeling just a bit uncertain of his ability to remain faithful and honest with his wife and family? So, hey, let’s just find someone/some group to judge and “Take a Stand for Clean Living!”

Like the minister’s note-to-self: “Your point is weak – POUND the podium here.”

Who amongst us is not a bit timid about having a real conversation with someone we disagree with? About abortion rights, immigration, guns, gay rights, trans-sexuals, even religion? Do we feel safe or are we afraid we’ll be shouted down? Or shamed? It’s easier to talk about something inconsequential, like the weather, or sports, or… Then everyone goes back to their own safe corner and stews in their own opinions.

Watching our world through the screens of online news and Facebook, it’s painful to see that isolated hatefulness simmer and stew until finally it boils over into a desperate act of some sort. Or in some cases, a really foolish and inflammatory remark made by a newscaster or a public figure.

If you are thinking I’m coming to some sort of awesome answer by the end of this blog, sorry to disappoint you. I dreamed last night of watching a news story of a group of gang members, including a young boy, with bombs strapped to their bodies, who blew themselves up in the street because of the chronic anguish of living with violence and hatefulness. I was grieving to watch it.

Just a dream, I know.

The Course in Miracles says that everything is either an act of love, or a cry for love. NO one does not want love. But so many of us are walking through life so immersed in shame and self-loathing that we must find someone else to dump it on. To blame. To hate and demonize. Only creating an enemy can make us feel one-up, a bit better about ourselves.

I don’t know the way out. But I have a hint of the direction. And I’m doing the best I can to move in that direction. Here are my suggestions to turn the cries for love into Love itself.

Confront bullying wherever you find yourself facing it. Your spouse? An encounter at the store? Politics? You may or may not be the target. Especially confront it if you are in a position of power/influence and someone without that power is being bullied or shamed (white privilege can be useful… use it for good). WARNING – don’t risk your life or injury to do this. Be smart.
Expand your heart. Love bigger. The bullies are doing it to deflect or numb their own sense of shame and fear. Love them too. But don’t let them get away with exercising their “rights” while denying rights to others.
Forgive someone you need to forgive. In time, forgive everyone. Don’t stay in unhealthy situations. Sometimes you need anger to get out, like rocket fuel. But once you are safe, set about the business of forgiving.
Watch your own tendency to judge others. Might your temptation to judge be concealing an issue you could stand to do some healing work around? Ask for help from trusted people.
Talk with safe people about these issues and develop language that you can use when you need it. We must speak out against hatefulness and oppositionalism. Dissolve it.
Lastly, watch for opportunities to connect and have respectful, honorable conversations with people you disagree with, first maybe on neutral topics, then eventually on the hotter topics. Find a way to build bridges.

My rights should not take away your rights, nor vice versa. These are hot topics and need to be discussed by people who are not afraid of knowledge, truth, and honoring each other. Our country was founded on principles of respect, freedom, cooperation and responsibility. Also knowledge. Hiding in corners nurturing our grievances and nursing our prejudices until they explode into the light in pain and judgment is doing nothing good for our world.

Everything is either an act of love, or a cry for love. Find a way to build bridges.

August 26, 2015 Empowerment, Healing, Intention 1 Comment

Why Standing up to Your Inner Bully Can Be a Good Thing

Honestly I want to write about positive uplifting things, but I seem to keep hitting obstacles. Like I cannot get on the freeway because of accidents and stalled vehicles scattered across the on-ramp. Bummer!

So here’s the biggie – the obstacle – for me. I’ve been struggling for many years with a sense of lack… about money and time. Despite all my Course in Miracles work and my spiritual practice. I’ve disguised the struggle by calling it “being responsible.”

There’s not enough money… I need to work harder. I need to spend less.

And of course there are lots of judgments that go along with that lack statement.

My Course lesson the other day was this: “Let miracles replace all grievances.” That started me wondering. In my prayer/channeling time I asked “how is this attitude of mine linked to grievances?”

The Voice that I hear in my mind responded: You tell yourself that the world refuses to compensate you adequately for your labors, or provide what you need. That you are doomed to remain in lack because somehow the fit is wrong, the “rules” don’t work. You work and work, but you never have enough.

This is your grievance. Is this true?

Wow.

That was 4 days ago. I’ve been facing this head-on and chose to write about it, rather than something purely uplifting today. My Inner Bully gets going here as well.. “Why don’t you focus on the good stuff? What about positive thinking and all that blather that you usually are into?!”

But somehow, this is where I am. I’m somewhat comforted by Brené Brown’s statement about why she chooses to study shame: “If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way – especially shame, fear, and vulnerability.” (From The Gifts of Imperfection, p 36)

“the things that get in the way…” (like a chronic belief that the world refuses to provide what I need.. )

And the Course (A Course in Miracles) begins with this introduction: “The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be taught. It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the awareness of love’s presence, which is your natural inheritance.”

“removing the blocks to love’s awareness…”

This is your grievance. Is this true?

My longstanding conviction of lack is standing in my way, a block to Truth and love.

The world doesn’t provide enough…I can’t figure it out well enough… I’m not enough.

These last few days I’ve been confronting this belief – can you guess how many times a day?

Despite living a respectable life in a nice home with a husband who loves me and money in the bank – I lost track… but somewhere around 50-100, and that doesn’t count the ones I failed to catch.

Yep. Despite all that good stuff, I’m spending a lot of my day, my mind energy – my creative energy OMG! – telling myself untruths about lack.

I guess it’s a bit like anorexics, who see themselves and tell themselves they are fat when anyone else can see they are skin and bones and even in danger. But they “see” a lie and believe it.

Intermittently over the last 35 years I’ve done a lot of prosperity work. I’ve seen other dreams of mine manifest… a lovely sacred private organic garden; a wonderful husband and singing partner; a small harmony group I love; singing lead onstage; healing in my children, and more.

But the prosperity/lack issue has continued to challenge me, offering me evidence that I don’t “get it,” and cannot make these principles work for me.

So I’m coming out of the closet, and am going to write about this more. I’m standing up to my Inner Bully. Michael Beckwith says that the world is suffering from a massive belief in the illusion of lack. It’s an epidemic. Despite evidence to the contrary, despite personal experiences that belie that.

So while I practice the prosperity principles, I’m going to face the Dementors directly – stand up to my inner bully: No. That is NOT true.

I’m asking my highway roadside assistance crew (angels et al) to clear the road with me, as often as needed so I can get on the onramp.

I’ll keep you posted.

July 4, 2015 Empowerment, Harmony, Intention, Song Post a Comment

Why You Should Ask Your Angels for Help Getting Your Groove Back

I know divine help is available. I’ve had my share of miracles and interventions. And I never forget to ask in crisis situations. “Help, God!” is an intuitive reaction in me – I’d say it in a milli-second if I was sliding on ice into a semi, or if I was being mugged, or worse.

But you know, I have a lot of trouble with to-do lists, computer problems, housecleaning, problem solving, etc. This stuff wrecks my peace on a regular basis. I probably had a past life as a monk meditating on a mountain top. I didn’t HAVE to-do lists and email and phones ringing and text messages coming in.

So the last few weeks I’ve been practicing bringing these two worlds together – divine intervention with ordinary life challenges.

I forget a lot. But today I remembered. Here’s the story.

Last week I connected with a client who wants me to photograph his place of business. On one condition – that his duplicate Google+Local pages be corrected and the old one deleted.

Well, that’s easier said than done. I know how it is supposed to work, but…

So, we’ll call him Greg. Greg told me when he called Google Support for the last year, he was repeatedly disconnected – “hundreds of times!” he says.

Strangely, when I called on his behalf, so was I. Four times in a row. Next I was unable to complete the form, asking for support to call me – the blank-to-fill-in wouldn’t fill.

I put out a call for help from other Google photographers, and got a lot of great suggestions. The best one was “Go to the business, walk him through it, let HIM talk with support and you support him.”

I put it off for a week. Me? Solve a tech problem? For someone else? You’re kidding… I was afraid we’d get disconnected again, or they would deny his request.

But today, I set up a meeting with him, and prayed all throughout the 30 minute drive asking for divine help. I saw it going well, felt the satisfaction, and thanked God.

So together we filled out the form asking Google Tech Support to call us. Immediately his phone rang. I held my breath – would he be disconnected? I was praying.

The call held – from India, or somewhere exotic. Greg explained. The guy listened and they had a real conversation. I stood nearby while he talked, for nearly 30 minutes. Gradually, Greg became more and more verbally grateful, even chummy with the tech guy. The call held through all this. I was quietly elated! Problem solved.

Now he is ready to do the photoshoot, happy with me, with the situation and immensely grateful. We shake hands, and I walk out into the sunshine with that same gratitude.

My leather soles hit the tile walkway and send a vibration through my body. I am happy to be alive, to be me. I am thrilled that this client is happy, the problem is solved, and I have another job to do.

All things work together for good! I’m in a groove. And it was my angels who helped me get it back.

I’ll be asking for help with my accounting now. Oh, and housecleaning… and kitchen cleanup… and…

Maybe this is what Presence is all about?

April 7, 2015 Empowerment, Healing, Intention, Song 1 Comment

What Tatiana & Maxim Can Teach

You know how sometimes the Universe – or God or FP (as Pam Grout calls the Field of Potentiality) – points things out to us in a way that’s somewhere between funny and mind-blowing? I had one of those yesterday.

After hearing a transcendent and inspiring talk for Easter Sunday, inexplicably I fell into a pothole of anxiety around money … a favorite pothole of mine, which sometimes seems to have been around my whole life.

Anyway, I got a new angle on it… as a young wife, many years ago, I was in a situation where my partner let me down financially. I came out determined never to let that happen again. I became super-vigilant, with a bootstrap attitude: “If I want this done right, I’ll have to do it myself!”

Despite healing on many different levels in relationship, that one I must have missed.

My husband and I often work on healing issues together – a mixed blessing – ha! As we were driving home, I brought this issue up and he offered to help me process it. I agreed.

When we got home, he led me through a process around money that brought up tears and a longstanding sense of “I can’t trust my partner! I can’t trust God.. I can’t trust myself!”

You can imagine how far that has got me… lots of issues of mistrust arise in my life, lots of months and years of “doing it myself” and not being happy with the way that plays out (I can’t trust myself either, remember?).

So the work I did focused on trust. I want to be a woman who trusts her partner. Who trusts God/Unseen Divine Love. Who trusts herself – both to do the right thing and to let go and let others do their part.

I can – sort of – feel what this feels like. After the process and the tears, I felt a kind of openness to something new.

Within an hour, I was checking Facebook and came across a video. Tatiana Volosozhar and Maxim Trankov figure-skating. I watched spell-bound at the beauty of their synchronized and unbelievable dance. Suddenly, he lifted and threw her in the air. High above his head, she spun 3 times, came back down and he caught her… all on ice skates. The dance continued.

Chills came over me. “I could never do that. I’d have to trust that he wouldn’t drop me! She could be injured, paralyzed for life even if he dropped her! I could never do that!” As those thoughts spun through my mind the word Trust surfaced. She trusts him implicitly. She does her part. He does his.

Their entire dance is built on skill and trust. She must relax into his arms and allow herself to be thrown – and caught. Repeatedly.

Trust.

I’ve watched it three times now. They won Olympic Gold for this dance in 2014. Every time he throws her up I think “trust.” I see it in my mind. This is what Trust looks like.

I don’t know if the Universe could have given me anything that would better illustrate Trust than this. Along with the power, beauty, intention, and success in which Trust plays a part.

I’m lacing up my skates. Are you ready to skate with me?

Watch Tatiana and Maxim’s figure-skating program here.

March 20, 2015 Coaching, Empowerment Post a Comment

Yeshua: Staring at Your Feet

Note: This is the first ever published of the guidance I have been receiving since 1993. Recently Stan and I have been listening daily, recording most sessions. This came in early March and is unedited except for moving one paragraph to make the ending complete. The name of the being(s) has been given to me as Yeshua. It is unfailingly loving, wise, and always encouraging of expansion. — Linda

We tell you now that you under-use the power of intention and the power of gratitude, both of you – that you too easily – and we don’t mean this as condemnation but as feedback – too easily stare at your feet, and your last two or three footprints and and ask why and stir around the mud that you’re standing in instead of looking to the horizon and practicing deep heart gratitude for the horizon and the planet and the vision you’ve been given.

Dust off the mud, and don’t worry about why you slipped on that last footprint, the one just before this one. Just dust off the dust and scrape off the mud, and continue.

See yourself looking across out at the ocean with the beauty of mountains rising out of the nearby shore. Or the horizons awaiting you. Spend your energy there, don’t look at your feet and spend your energy stamping around there.

Look to the visions you are creating and look to the landscape you’re in right now with great gratitude. Even the lake yesterday was spectacularly beautiful was it not? Did you see its beauty? Yes. And it was just a simple midwest lake in winter. There is so much more but we want you to see the beauty in the simple things, too.

We want you to spend your moment by moment energy in gratitude for what is here, right this moment and in excitement about the life unfolding before you. You have no idea how that will change your lives, how that will change the outcomes.

And again, we mean no judgment here but Linda spends time with lists and lightweight anxieties about the day and the management of her life and household and those she loves, and Stan spends time with the Royals and the Chiefs. And all the teams.

Those are unimaginative ways to spend your powerful creative energies, do you understand that? Both of you?

They are lacking in energy and vision and lacking in joy, both of them lacking in joy.

You wouldn’t believe how difficult it is to get beautiful, transcendent, loving, glorious, dream fulfilling thoughts through to frightened, separated, shut-down humans who are absolutely convinced that they are alone in the world. Can you understand that?

We want you to hold on to the visions of the outcomes you want and to spend time today outdoors, cleaning and clearing, enjoy the physical work, enjoy that you’re both strong and healthy, enjoy the warming temperatures, enjoy this beautiful fenced backyard that you have, and see your community in your vision.

Gratitude and Vision – and allow the vision to stir your excitement.

March 3, 2015 Coaching, Empowerment, Harmony, Healing Post a Comment

Seduction of the Downward Spiral

Yesterday Stan and I participated in the Great Password Challenge.

Not that we signed up for it. It sort of snuck up on us both. He was changing his POP email accounts to IMAP, in honor of getting a new iPhone 6, to synch his devices, if you know what I mean. (If you don’t, don’t worry about it… read on.)

By mid-afternoon, I heard his frustration in his neighboring office, and offered my assistance. He had been changing the passwords to try to meet the demands of the system. By then, his email accounts had all quit working, giving him error messages.

In periods of frustration and problem solving, Stan often goes into a sort of shut-down, while I usually remain calm, if inwardly irritated. Yesterday, using our highest spiritual practices, we made it through 3 hours of password hell, without intense anger, language, even irritation with each other. A downright miracle.

By half-past suppertime (I declared Chinese take-out) we had his 3 primary email accounts all functioning again, both incoming and outgoing.

We high-fived! We congratulated ourselves and each other! We thanked God/the Universe for the Angel Tech helpers we had asked for. We also noted the great sense of accomplishment that comes when we overcome a challenge.

But then… as I sat down for supper I felt really grumpy. I wanted something – actually someone – to blame. I became – after the fact – angry at Stan for his part in getting this all tangled up. He in turn became self-critical and defensive, then angry at me.

The seduction of the downward spiral was pulling us both, right there over Chinese hot-sour soup and crab rangoon. I really wanted to slip over the edge and make it His Fault. Man, so tempting!

It’s the lure of the Dark Side, the vortex of suffering and blame. A Course in Miracles talks about the “attraction of sin and guilt.” There’s something in me that, sometimes, even with all I know, wants to go there. To put my tongue where the tooth just came out. To play “ain’t it awful?!” or “it’s his fault.” Or the ever popular, “Poor me… look what I have to put up with!”

But it seemed kind of a waste. We had both made it through a really challenging time without sinking in vibration, dropping in mood. Why would we spoil it now, when we had the option of enjoying a sense of accomplishment and a peaceful evening ahead?

As I sipped my hot-sour soup, I spoke of how tempted I was to blame. Stan dipped his crab-rangoon in the sweet and sour sauce and told me of the pull he felt to beat up on himself. We looked at each other with awe.

“We don’t have to go there, do we?”

By the time we we got to the Hunan Shrimp, we let the Downward Spiral’s gravitational pull move on past us both.

As John Milton said, “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven..”

February 23, 2015 Coaching, Empowerment Post a Comment

How Do You Ride the Rapids?

Have you ever run a set of rapids? In a canoe, a kayak, or raft?

Whether you’re the helmsman or just along for the ride, you can sense the rapids just before you hit them. By the time you hear them, there’s no turning back. The choices are where – and how – to go through them, and the state of mind in which to go.

Terrified? Calm? Alert? Confident? Present?

Sometimes you might make it through the rapids on sheer luck. But more often, the way you arrive on the other side has something to do with the choices you (or your helmsman) made right in the middle of the rapids.

For me, there are hard times in life that show up now and then, and when I’m at the edge going in, I realize, “Oh, &#$%@! Here we go…” Entering the rapids.

The next thing I tell myself is this (not always in words mind you): this is going to require every milligram of spiritual wisdom you have gained over the years. You cannot forget to love, to trust, to surrender, to have faith… to see a wonderful outcome.

I feel as if I’m riding the rapids and can afford no distraction, no self-pity, no indulgence.

No weakness. At least not now. (Later I’ll have the massage, devour the chocolate, watch Downton Abbey…but don’t distract me now!)

This feeling and awareness can be launched by events such as: 1) the realization that I’m driving on ice; 2) my husband’s bout with cancer a few years ago; 3) the need to confront someone I love with an issue that needs clearing between us…and more. You get the idea.

Someone sent me this quote today, from Brian Johnson, The Optimizer: Nassim Taleb echoes that wisdom in his genius book Anti-Fragile, reminding us that “Wind extinguishes a candle and energizes fire.” (Here’s Brian’s website.)

If I go through the rapids cowering in the canoe, afraid to do my part, even if on the other side I survive it, I have lost power rather than gained it.

If I go through the rapids fully alert, watching for boulders, leaning, steering, paddling if it’s mine to do, and survive it, I come through with a faith in myself and my abilities. I am prepared for equal and greater challenges. I can choose to be the fire, not a candle to be extinguished.

Think Malala.

How do you go through the rapids in your life?

February 19, 2015 Coaching, Empowerment, Healing Post a Comment

The Usefulness of Crises

For my new (and old) friends, this will look like a confession. And so it is.

I announced to “the world” this week that “my vision is healed.” Yes, within my home, up to 20’ or so, all the double-ness is gone and things look unified to me again. I’m wearing my contacts.

But, yesterday, I went outdoors…traveling, though not driving myself. I was dismayed to see the world still looking double, at that longer range.

Now the other 9-10 times my vision has healed over the years, this is the normal progression.. up close gets better first, then gradually, far away heals as well, till all is unified.

But this time, the stakes are higher. This time, because of the blog, I have “others” watching me. Did I lie? Was I premature? Am I a fake, a charlatan? This morning, all these accusations are running around the back corners of my mind, barely loud enough to hear, but making me uneasy nevertheless.

Which brings up the issue of doubt.

Which, in turn, brings up the usefulness of crises.

I’m not going to explore doubt at the moment. I’m sure you all have your own stories about it, and know what I’m talking about. What I’m going to explore is how, sometimes, in a crisis (or what we perceive as a crisis) all doubt disappears and we are capable of super-human focus and accomplishment.

Remember the stories of a small woman able to lift a car off a child in a moment of need? I can relate. I feel the strength in me to do that.

But after the child is safe, how strong is that woman? Can she maintain a strong-state-of-mind? Will she take any of the wonder of that moment, any of the obvious physical achievement, and change her life? Will she change because of it?

Or will she go back to her normal?

In nearly all natural (or man-made) disasters around the globe, we gradually hear the stories of tremendous love, purpose, generosity, coming-together, healing, and selflessness that appears in those aftermaths. Humans are capable of these behaviors and qualities.

But in “normal” times, we as a people can be quite self-absorbed, uncaring, and isolated.

Might we “need” a crisis to discover qualities we hadn’t been using? Strength. Decision. Expansive love. Compassion. Crossing racial/ethnic/religious boundaries. Faith that things can be better and the effort to move in that direction.

On the personal level, do I need a crisis to realize my thoughts impact my health? To become aware of them? Do I need a crisis to focus my will? Is my faith, my awareness, so ramshackle that it falls apart and I go back to doubt and low-grade fear as a way of life?

I say NO. I’m once again releasing this moment of doubt, letting it go, and letting my mind be easy. That Strength, that Expansive Love, that Healing, is not “of me” anyway. All I really have to do, once again, is get out of the way.